Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
whose parrot is this?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
