dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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