planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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