I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize