I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
