You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
