i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize