Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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