my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
