Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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