i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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