I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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