She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I stole a fireplace last night.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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