I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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