Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
