The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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