I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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