I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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