Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
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