i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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