Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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