plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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