Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
