I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
