I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
