omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize