and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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