and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
