A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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