If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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