Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
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