i was born a porn star she said
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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