i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
