dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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