My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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