You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
