So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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