i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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