So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
