I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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