I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He? As in you personified your dick?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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