I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
