I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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