there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I enjoy the company of your penis
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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