That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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