no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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