The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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