I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
