I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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