Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
