I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
