mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
