my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
