i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
