I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
