just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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