I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize