I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
then he tried to convert me to islam
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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