i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
