I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
